The Art of Managing Conflict in an Intimate Relationship

My wife and I were chatting the other day and both remarked that it would have been so beneficial in the early days of our marriage to be able to have seen a psychologist for some couples therapy and/or to learn some skills to enhance our relationship. Unfortunately ours was the era where we just had to learn the hard way by trial and error! Fortunately we learnt! However, it took us a while longer and at higher cost than was necessary! Nowadays as a registered psychologist, the ability to convey insight into how relationships function and skills to enhance relationships is one of the prime reasons why I love working with couples seeking support in their relationship. So here is some fundamental truths that will help you in your relationship now!

Research shows that the most problematic issues, conflict or differences in relationships don’t get solved (69% in fact). At best they can only be managed. Indeed the reason for this is that most challenging issues in which couples get ‘trapped in’ have more to do with character differences and personality traits. For example, Steve values organisation and neatness; whereas Sarah couldn’t care less about organisation and believes sharing time with friends is most important. Steve loves spending money – Sarah loves saving money. Steve loves hot weather holidays – Sarah loves cold weather holiday’s etc etc. Additionally, there are often major differences in our families of origin, cultures and family traditions, personal values and beliefs, passions and interests among many more differences. The list is long and the differences that typically attracted us to each other, end up being the ones that repel us after a while?! As such, coming to understand and accept that these differences will remain, and learning to manage, not solve problems, are among the most effective skills we can learn to master our intimate relationships.

Therefore I encourage my clients with the following strategies: 1. Change your mindset It's not conflict in a relationship that is bad, it is not managing it constructively which is bad! The aim is not to think "my relationship is doomed" because we have conflict or to think the goal is to remove all conflict. The goal is to see how we can manage/negotiate a win/win solution that allows us to function and enjoy our diversity and differences. 2. Celebrate the differences! Choose to see the joy and strength we have as a result of our differences. Choose to see how our differences were something that attracted us to one another. Rather than fight them now I can choose to appreciate them as they strengthen and enhance our relationship. 3. Find a win/win solution! The way that we constructively manage our differences is to find a win/win solution. Unfortunately people often think that a constructive solution is for one party to just give in or reluctantly comply. This is never a solution and will most often lead to resentment and contempt. It may take time and energy, but a constructive solution is one that really takes into account each other’s position on an issue and then lovingly finds a way to discuss with each other how to give up some ground and move closer and closer to an agreed, acceptable solution with each other. There are many more things we can learn about how intimate relationships function and skills we can develop to enhance our relationships but it is vitally important to firstly learn how to achieve a loving, mutually beneficial win/win way to manage and not change conflict arising from individual differences!

By Mark Webb

M&Co. Registered Psychologist

The Brain

This week is 'Brain Awareness Week' so lets explore the brain together.

The human brain is like a galaxy condensed into a small space the size of our two hands put together. We have approximately 100 billion neurons in the brain that produce complex functions every second. A neuron is a specialised cell that looks like a tree with branches and these branches line up with other neuronal branches and almost touch. The space between them is called the synaptic gap and it’s the intergalactic world of nerve signals that travel from one neuron to another like a lightening strike. The mechanism that allows this travel across the synaptic gap are chemical messengers called neurotransmitters e.g. serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, GABA. These chemical acts as “boats” to transport the messages across the synaptic gap.

The human brain and body works well when there are just the right amount of “boats” to complete the job. Unfortunately, due to negative stress and/or genetics sometimes there are too many or too little “boats” and thus disruption and disease can be the result. Healthy eating, exercise and good sleep hygiene go along way to keeping the neurons functioning well. At times, medication can be a godsend to bring balance to the way that the neurons communicate with one another. As a society this is an area that we can grow in our understanding. In the same way that we would encourage someone to take medication for diabetes or hypertension, we can support those who need medication to moderate the way the that neurons function.

Another fascinating thing about the brain is how it stores memory. Our brain is like a computer and it has enough storage space to hold up to 100 terabytes of data. Thankfully our brain has clever filter systems so that we don't become overloaded with too much information in our conscious minds at any given time. Our brain works on so many levels to keep us safe and functioning well. For example, could it be that our “gut” feel about something is the brain making many computations from all the data it has stored over time and then intuits the best answer based on those computations? Possibly.

Researchers, Foa and Kozak theorise that memory has three main components i.e. sensory data, emotional data and meaning. The sensory data refers to what was seen, heard, smelt, physically felt and this information is stored in the actual neurons that correspond with that function e.g. if you were rescued from a house fire, the neurons in the olfactory (smell) part of the brain would store the trauma. A “photocopy” of the trauma is also stored in other neurons that we activated during the event e.g. the emotional part of the brain called the amygdala. So when you smell smoke in the future, the brain does a “google” search to ascertain how to respond to the presenting information being received by the olfactory nerves and the brain then jumps to the amygdala to activate the emotional data that is personally associated with the smell of smoke. So neurons that “fire together, wire together”, meaning they now have an association and one triggers the other.

Mostly, this is very good and we need these associations to function well. It’s what tells our fight or flight system (the sympathetic nervous system) to keep us from harm. But can we reverse this neuronal wiring if the association negatively impacts us, like as in PTSD or phobia? The good news is, Yes we can. It takes hard work and repetition but techniques such as exposure therapy and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) show empirical evidence that the intensity of the negative emotional association can be reduced enough for the individual to get back to normal functioning.

So lets be kind to the galaxy between our ears and give it all the best nourishment, exercise and protection it needs to keep our complex mind and bodies functioning well.

Written By Janice Dommisse
Clinical Psyhcologist Masters & Co.

What Causes Anxiety?

An anxiety condition isn't developed or caused by a single factor but a combination of things. A number of other factors play a role, including personality factors, difficult life experiences and physical health.

Family history of mental health conditions

Some people who experience anxiety conditions may have a genetic predisposition towards anxiety and these conditions can sometimes run in a family. However, having a parent or close relative experience anxiety or other mental health condition doesn't mean you'll automatically develop anxiety.

Personality factors

Research suggests that people with certain personality traits are more likely to have anxiety. For example, children who are perfectionists, easily flustered, timid, inhibited, lack self-esteem or want to control everything, sometimes develop anxiety during childhood, adolescence or as adults.

Ongoing stressful events

Anxiety conditions may develop because of one or more stressful life events. Common triggers include:

* work stress or job change
* change in living arrangements
* pregnancy and giving birth
* family and relationship problems
* major emotional shock following a stressful or traumatic event
* verbal, sexual, physical or emotional abuse or trauma
* death or loss of a loved one.

Physical health problems

Chronic physical illness can also contribute to anxiety conditions or impact on the treatment of either the anxiety or the physical illness itself. Common chronic conditions associated with anxiety conditions include:

* diabetes
* asthma
* hypertension and heart disease
* Some physical conditions can mimic anxiety conditions, like an overactive thyroid. It can be useful to see a doctor and be assessed to determine whether there may be a medical cause for your feelings of anxiety.

Other mental health conditions

While some people may experience an anxiety condition on its own, others may experience multiple anxiety conditions, or other mental health conditions. Depression and anxiety conditions often occur together. It's important to check for and get assistance for all these conditions at the same time.

Substance use

Some people who experience anxiety may use alcohol or other drugs to help them manage their condition. In some cases, this may lead to people developing a substance use problem along with their anxiety condition. Alcohol and substance use can aggravate anxiety conditions particularly as the effects of the substance wear off. It's important to check for and get assistance for any substance use conditions at the same time.

Remember...

Everyone’s different and it's often a combination of factors that can contribute to developing an anxiety condition. It's important to remember that you can't always identify the cause of anxiety or change difficult circumstances. The most important thing is to recognise the signs and symptoms and seek advice and support.

We have an event on the 10th March on Tackling Anxiety, Buy Tickets

Thankyou for the tips! [beyondblue][2]

Teens & Technology

We've had heaps of you contact us asking for guidelines on managing cell phone use for your tweens and teens in and out of the family home. As we step back into school routines, research indicates that structure and discipline restores balance and makes these transitions smoother for all! Check out these guidelines and cut and paste an agreement that can help you all.

1/ I will not send mean or threatening texts to others (including repetitious texts).
2/ I will not text or make phone calls after 8pm (unless to us) and will dock the phone at charge centre with rest of family.
3/ I will keep my phone charged at all times and will answer messages promptly from my parents (no switching o phone).
4/ I will not bring my phone to dinner table, or into toilet, or bedroom.
5/ I will not go over the data plan/monthly minutes or text message limits. If I do, I understand I may be responsible for extra charges or I may lose my phone privileges.
6/ I acknowledge that I am responsible for knowing the whereabouts of my phone and will keep in it good condition.
7/ I understand that my phone may be taken away if I am rude, don't keep up with chores or if my school grades suer.
8/ I will be not be antisocial with my phone. That is, I will have ‘phone down, eyes up’ at church, family times, in quiet settings (eg., the car) or in restaurants.
9/ I may be asked to moderate my use in conjunction with other screen use (e.g., tv, gaming, movies). (This may need to take the form of adhering to a routine e.g., no gaming during week, max 2 hrs/day phone use, gaming w/e only)
10/ I am only able to modify this phone use agreement in conjunction with parents/caregiver and I am able to make requests of their phone use in return.
11/ I will disclose my phone password and allow the occasional phone checks/audit of content upon request.

FULL NAME____________________ X______________________

ENJOY! Cut and paste as you need, get it signed and place on fridge... and restore the balance.
A great App for phone content management and scheduling is Curbi. Search on the app store and look at the options on cell phone management tools. DOWNLOAD FORM

Personal Power

On being mentally strong.

I've spoken about this in therapy heaps lately it seems. In a treatment setting there is much to be said about this topic but here are some great starters...

Research indicates fostering resilience means not being easily persuaded to believe the self criticisms and judgements we bring into our lives. Furthermore, fostering resilience means coming to understand that giving away your personal power robs you of the mental strength you need to remain resilient.

Mentally strong people don't give away their personal power. Here are "what I've learned with you" on how to retain personal power. In order to make positive changes, take a moment to recognise how you give your mental energy away.. This is not an exhaustive list so add to these observations in the comments if you are so inclined!

Establish healthy boundaries
It is easy to neglect establishing healthy boundaries (physical, spiritual and emotional). Perhaps you tend to 'give the benefit of the doubt to a fault' or maybe you find yourself blaming others for wasting your time or forcing you to do something. We give our personal power over to others when we give in to guilt trips or refuse to be assertive. Establish healthy boundaries that give you control over how you spend your time and with whom.

Make your self worth independent of other people's opinions
While most of us 'know' this principle, it is difficult to manage this vulnerability effectively. The difference between being confident and secure; or vulnerable to others opinions is a slippery slope. Evaluate the criticism received but be intentional about how you determine your self worth.

Practice forgiveness
Forgive, again and again. Don't avoid facing what needs to be forgiven or grieved. Yes, it's painful, right? Forgiveness is a huge topic and of course, doesn't mean what happened was acceptable - it is however a means for which you set yourself free from the interference unforgiveness brings.

Know your values
Find clarity with this one. We put ourselves at risk when others lead this aspect of our life. I notice that personal power is given away when one believes they are to subjugate their own preferences, opinions, and needs to endorse the needs, opinions and preferences of others, over their own. Others believe they are selfish unless they thoroughly vanquish their preferences. While the values of humility and servanthood are wonderful attributes, subjugation is an unhealthy schema!

Stop complaining
There is a massive difference between problem solving and complaining! Complaining use to make me feel better short term but in actual fact, I had little control over my attitude! Venting to those around you keeps you focussed on the wrong things. Complaining stops us from finding a solution and implies we have no authority over the situation. To become a better problem solver, put energy into finding meaningful solutions rather than having a whinge!

Managing thought life
Don't waste time on unproductive thoughts. This is typically a life and psychological skill with its own unique application to each individual, but for starters, postpone worry time until you can process thoughts properly - anything else is a waste!

No more victim mentality
Avoid language that implies you are a victim. While I have been victimised, as have you, and there are consequences for actions, we do have choices.

Avoid being 'opaque'
I've not always been willing to stand out from the crowd, and preferred to come alongside or keep my thoughts to myself for fear of being seen, heard and ultimately criticised. I call it being 'opaque' - where what is on the inside isn't quite seen on the outside. There are numerous reasons why I adopted this behaviour, however when I trusted I was mentally strong enough to stand out, I could dare to make a difference.

Manage Emotions
Take 100% responsibility for how you feel despite how others behave. If you don't know how to manage this space, I know a good therapist or two!

(Disclaimer: By law, it is the requirement of a registered health professional to provide a disclaimer for activities or information disseminated publicly to assist in the ethical, safe and appropriate use of what may be deemed as advice. The contents of this blog are written with the intention of being read as an informal personal statement of reflections and observations by the author, Rochelle Masters. The contents herewith are not written as definitive statements or prescribed instruction for your personal circumstance and no guarantee can be given that the reflections are free from error or omission. This blog is not meant to treat mental illness. The diagnosis and treatment of mental illness requires the specific attention of a physician or other properly qualified mental health professional engaged to treat your personal circumstance. If you are seeking diagnosis or treatment of a mental illness, you should contact and consult with a physician or mental health professional. The information in this blog is NOT a substitute for proper diagnosis, treatment or the provision of advice by an appropriate health professional in the appropriate treatment setting.

Masters Psychology & Co., all employees and agents shall accept no liability for any act or omission occurring as a result of reliance on the information on this website and for any consequences of any such act or omission. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis please contact LIFELINE on 13 11 14 (Open 24 hours) or contact admin@masterspsychology.com.au for more information).

She found her voice

She found her voice, in everything but words...

Everyone I have ever loved and drawn close to has had a distinctive voice. 
That is, they hold a capacity to bring expression to who they are using language masterfully articulated to capture my attention, admiration, humour and ultimately, my heart.

One of my earliest memories is of the day ‘I lost my voice’.  I was 5 years old and having been primed to sing in front of a large audience, I took the stage to perform only to discover my voice didn’t sing out like I had rehearsed.  I was so incredibly disappointed with myself and humiliated.  From that day, for the next 25 years, I feared speaking out or performing and became cumbersome and opaque in articulating and expressing who I really was.

“Voice is our human spirit, full of hope and intelligence, resilient by nature, and boundless in its potential to serve the common good....” (Covey, 2006).  It represents our unique personal significance which seeks to be revealed in life, love, learning and legacy (our spiritual contribution and meaning).

As Covey writes, “Each of us harbour a deep yearning to find our voice – the meeting of our Talents (natural gifts and strengths); Passion (things which naturally energise, excite, motivate and inspire us); Need (what the world needs and is willing to pay us for); and Conscience (that still small voice within that assures us of what is right and prompts us into action)".  These concepts are similar to those studied in Positive Psychology, when explaining strengths, motivation, meaning, and morality.

On finding my voice

For me, I found my voice in losing it.  I've been learning the powerful art of listening. Taking a vacation from language provides for an awareness that has spoken to who I am and how I engage with the world and those around me.  In this void, I have gained some of the most profound wisdom with everything but words.  The greatest impact has been in my work at Masters Psychology, as a Clinical Psychologist. Ideas dance across minds, questions and answers are found in a voice that at times is seldom heard.  When words go away, along with the ideas they speak to, we are left staring at our humanity.  We gain dynamic and captivating insight into the real nature of communication, connection and wholeness.

Today, as I hit a significant milestone, I’ve decided to explore this writing space and see where it takes me as I continue to learn and grow.

You are welcome to join!  I will only be sharing what I’ve learned from you...

Rochelle Masters

References

Covey, S. R. (2006). The 8th Habit Personal Workbook: Strategies to Take You from Effectiveness to Greatness. Free Press.

http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/sulynn/2007032757

http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/sherri-fisher/20070305128

http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/margaret-greenberg/2007011435

http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/aren-cohen/20070512239