Matrescence - the transition through motherhood

There is a time in our life when we experience changes to our bodies, hormones, relationships, and our identity. There is also a quiet expectation of us to have it all together and appear grown up. Sounds like adolescence, right? Not entirely.

We also go through these same changes when we become mothers.

Research has a wealth of knowledge on the transition to teen years, yet we do not know of a word to describe the transition to motherhood. We do have a word! Its name? Matrescence.

I am a psychologist and have been working with perinatal mothers over the last couple of years. During this time, I have noticed a pattern that occurs. During our first meeting, a new mum typically feels nervous yet confused about sharing with me the experience of motherhood. This experience would sound like this, “I thought I’d love being a mother, I’ve always wanted to be one, but I find I’m having moments where I don’t enjoy it”. After making what sounds like a confession, they then go on to explain the mix of emotions that occasionally pops up since having their baby. Some are surprised by the bouts of anger or rage that spontaneously occur because it’s not who they are. These distressed mums say they do not feel like themselves sometimes. They feel guilty about not enjoying motherhood all the time and disclose that having a baby is not as fulfilling as they thought it would be. Also, they didn't feel “good enough” as mothers.  

So, following protocol, I would review the criteria and screen for anxiety and or depression. However, after explaining they did not meet the criteria for any mood disorder these mums seemed disappointed. I too share their confusion and dissatisfaction. Curious about their experiences I wondered if there was some understanding out there that could shed light on this common experience. I commenced research to gain some further insight, and I continued therapy to bring clarity.

During these sessions, I noticed these women had expectations about motherhood, specifically that it would make them happy, and they would always know what to do. They raised concerns about how difficult it was to always put the babies’ needs first. Some were questioning if they were made to be mothers. These thoughts sounded like unrealistic expectations.  

Having unrealistic expectations is common in early motherhood, particularly when it is your first baby. We can attribute this partly to old societal notions about women achieving utter fulfillment from being a mother. This myth of motherhood also implies that she will then be her most happy and strong version of self. 

Being a mother of young children myself, I was curious about the processes a woman go through to adapt to motherhood. Eventually I came across the work of Dr Aleksandra Saks and her famous TED video “A New Way to Think About the Transition to Motherhood”. Here Dr Saks explains her discovery of the word Matrescence from the work of an anthropologist Dana Raffael. As Dr Saks explains, there’s no coincidence that adolescence and matrescence sound similar. Both transitions involve physical and psychological changes, and both result in a view of how we fit in the world. Like adolescence, matrescence is not a diagnosable condition, however, because matrescence is not a well-known concept in literature sometimes it gets confused with diagnosable conditions like Post Natal Depression. Of course, if you have concerns about your mental health as a new mother always consult with a mental health professional as knowledge is power.  

 

There’s an excellent and relatable concept Dr Saks explains called the ‘push and pull’. When I share this notion with mums, I see their shoulders drop, they lean forward in their chair and say something like “Yes! That’s exactly what this is like!”.  

So, the push and pull goes something like this: Our babies are highly dependent on us for a long time, so we develop a bond via wonderful chemicals like oxytocin. It is the pull towards our baby. Yet at the same time a mother is pushing away towards the other parts of her identity like her career, friends, hobbies, wanting to be intellectually stimulated, to feel a sense of productivity again, even towards physical needs like sleeping, eating, sexuality. This push-pull tension is the tug-of-war that can be underlying the emotions they are experiencing in the early days of parenting.  

The push-pull notion struck me as the ‘gold’ I was searching for. If every mother knew that in that moment when they caught themselves thinking, “Why is this so hard for me?”, “Why can’t I get my baby to sleep”, and “I’m not good at this”, that every parent would find this moment hard.  It is normal. I think this is a game changer for mother’s mental health everywhere. As a psychologist, I believe in the value of talking through tricky experiences. So, if every mother understood that ambivalence in this situation is normal, and we only need to be ‘good enough’ parents and not perfect, then I think we can radically help women navigate the rough patches of their matrescence.  

Matrescence is intense. In the toughest moment, we can feel like our world is crumbling, and yet, it is likely our ideas of our fixed identity being challenged.

So, let us stand on the edge of that vulnerability and celebrate new identity emerging. Let us have a nuanced way we see the transition to motherhood as one that is bumpy yet beautiful. We are discovering new parts of us. I strongly encourage mothers to talk to other mothers about their matrescence. It will only take one person to crack the conversation and normalise this for better mental health outcomes for our mothers.