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julian masters 5/9/23 julian masters 5/9/23

The Explosive Child book review by Jess Gorman

In Dr Ross Greene’s best selling book, he outlines the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions method, a ground-breaking, research-based approach to understanding and parenting kids with challenging behaviours.

“As parents, we have often tried all the conventional and popular methods for dealing with challenging behaviours”

— Jess Gorman

As parents, we have often tried all the conventional and popular methods for dealing with challenging behaviours – reward charts, times outs, consequences, even bribes, only to find these methods don’t fully solve the challenges, or aren’t sustainable. Instead, Dr Greene invites us to consider a new perspective when parenting our tricky kids – Kids do well when they can. And if they aren’t doing well, it’s due to a lack of crucial skills in the areas of flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, perspective taking, and problem solving.

The book outlines what a problem-solving partnership with your child looks like, and provides a conceptual framework for understanding your child and working collaboratively with them to solve the problems that lead to frustrations and meltdowns. This method places you on the same team as your child, working together to solve a problem, rather than you against your child in a constant tug of war.

The book is an easy read, with lots of examples and anecdotes to keep the reader engaged and demonstrate the techniques. Your child doesn’t necessarily have to be as “explosive” as the examples of children provided in the book for the method to be applicable – though we would suggest you check out Dr Greene’s sibling text to this book, Raising Human Beings, if this fits your context better.

Recently, our team have been training in Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, and if you have any further enquiries or want to know more, please contact our admin team for more information.

About the Author of ‘The Explosive Child’

Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., is the originator of the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model described in this book, an approach he has researched extensively, along with colleagues throughout the world. Dr. Greene served on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years, and is currently Founding Director of the non-profit Lives in the Balance and adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech. He consults extensively to families, schools, and therapeutic facilities and lectures widely internationally.

The Explosive Child

A$30.00

The Explosive Child [Fifth Edition]: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. A groundbreaking approach to understanding and parenting children who frequently exhibit severe fits of temper and other intractable behaviors, from a distinguished clinician and pioneer in this field.

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Jess Gorman and the kids & family team have developed a program called myfamily@masters.

What is the myfamily@masters program?

A treatment guide to services provided for children age 4-14, using Dr Ross Green’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS)
Targeted intervention for children with challenging behaviours tailored to whole of family needs
An intervention involving parents and caregivers to build literacy and capacity at home
A program of approximately 10-15 sessions
An intervention whilst waiting for a diagnosis or assessment results
An intervention to compliment a recent diagnosis
An intervention with data collected to benefit assessing better outcomes alongside existing research
An intervention with capacity to link to associated professionals
An intervention that has 4 key phases of treatment (including access to the myfamily@masters workbook; an online learning portal; fun as well as focussed activities.

Contact Jess for more information at admin@masterspsychology.com.au

Check out the Mother’s Day Blog >

julian masters 3/29/23 julian masters 3/29/23

The benefits of a digital detox

Here’s a question: how many hours today have you been more than a metre away from your mobile phone?

For most people, the answer will be a few hours or less. For others, it may even be no time at all. In today’s technology-driven world, the smartphone has almost become an extension of the human hand. An accessory so essential that you feel naked without it. It’s often the last thing we look at before going to sleep, and the first thing we look at when we wake up. Research from Deloitte’s annual Mobile Consumer Survey report shows that 44 per cent of people in Australia think their phone use is a problem and are trying to reduce how much time they spend on it.

And, when you’re not looking at your phone, there’s a strong chance you’re looking at a computer or watching TV – home entertainment streaming services like Netflix have such a large range that, let’s be honest, one episode is rarely enough. Then there's your work life. So many jobs today involve staring at a computer screen for large portions of the day. When you take a step back and look at your daily lifestyle, it can feel like there’s no escaping the screen. But the benefits of cutting back are well worth the effort.

It's worth noting that for the last year, the implications of the coronavirus pandemic have meant many people are consuming a significant amount of on-screen content. One common example is watching and digitally consuming the news for updates on COVID-19, which was particularly relevant during the early stages of the virus. Another is the increased use of streaming services like Netflix in a bid to fight boredom, especially during periods where restrictions were at their toughest.

You don’t have to completely cut yourself off from the world like Tom Hanks in Castaway. However, doing a digital detox every now and then will have some great benefits on your wellbeing. Here are five key ones:

A more content and calmer you. There have been thousands of social experiments where people have taken a break from technology and the participants are almost always surprised to find themselves less stressed because of it. When you’re on your phone or absorbed in your emails, you’re not living in the present. It’s only when you open your eyes to the here and now that you realise how easy it is to miss out on the good things around you.

You’ll be more productive. Let’s be honest – a lot of the time you’re checking your social media channels and scrolling through your friend’s travel pics, rather than responding to messages or connecting with others. Taking a break from technology will show just how much time you waste on it!

Healthier relationships. If you’re stuck in cyber world too long, your social connections in real life can take a back seat. Take this – 43 per cent of people in Australia who are in a relationship believe their partner uses their phone too much and 70 per cent admit to using their phone during mealtimes with family or friends. We all know that person who doesn’t get off their phone at dinner. Don’t be that person!

Your physical health will improve. If your eyes are glued to the screen, you’re probably sitting or lying down. A growing obesity problem in Australia is partly because of a lifestyle tied to the couch staring at a screen. It’s not only terrible for your lower back and neck, it’s also bad on your waist line. Unplug, go outside and get the blood moving. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel.

Improved sleep. When your body knows it’s time to sleep, your brain releases a chemical called melatonin, which helps the body relax and prepare for some shut-eye. Science has shown that when you look at a screen before bedtime, your brain is tricked into thinking it must remain alert and awake, preventing melatonin from being released. So, if you’re one of the 46 per cent of people in Australia who use their phone immediately before going to bed, now you know why you might be tossing and turning in bed wondering why you can’t get to sleep.

Technology is incredible and the benefits are huge in so many aspects of everyday life. However, being able to unplug and have some time away from the screen will leave you re-energised and more in touch with the world around you. Here’s a quote to inspire you from author Anne Lammott: “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”

Wherever you are in Australia, you can speak with a trained mental health professional via the Beyond Blue Support Service: Call 1300 22 4636 Lifeline 13 11 14

Content from beyondblue.org.au

julian masters 3/2/23 julian masters 3/2/23

Tips for a good night's sleep

“There are few things more frustrating than not being able to sleep. Like grabbing a bar of soap – the harder you try, the more it seems to escape you.”

A recent study found that four in every ten Australians are regularly experiencing inadequate sleep. And with the COVID-19 pandemic creating a new element of stress, along with natural disasters and political unrest, it's possible this number could be even higher.

Disrupted sleep can take a number of forms, such as:

difficulty getting to sleep
frequently waking during the night
waking very early in the morning and being unable to get back to sleep.

If you're dealing with one, or multiple of the above issues, you're not alone. The good news is that there are evidence-based strategies for dealing with them. Like anything, reinforcing these habits takes work. But when it comes to sleep, it's certainly worth the effort!

Here are five pre-sleep habits to help you get a good night's sleep:

1. Be consistent with your bedtime

When it comes to sleep, your body doesn't like surprises. Going to bed at a similar time each night reinforces to your body that it's time to wind down. This consistency allows for better sleep. Remember, most adults need about seven to eight hours of sleep every night.

2. Set a digital curfew

Try to avoid screens for at least 30 minutes before going to sleep. Screen light and apps are designed to trigger hormones in your brain that keep you alert. Ensure your phone is off, or on 'do not disturb' mode, prior to going to bed. Phone notifications are the enemy of quality sleep!

3. Reduce your caffeine and alcohol intake

Stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine can keep your body and mind alert up to seven hours after they're consumed. Obviously this can have a big detrimental affect on your sleep, so ensure you don't have them later than the early afternoon. As for alcohol, while in some cases it might help you fall asleep quicker, studies show that people who consume alcohol before bed often experience disruptions later in their sleep cycle.

4. Make the bedroom your sleep sanctuary

Keep your bed for sleeping only; don’t watch TV or use your phone in bed. And if you're working from home, try to ensure your bedroom doesn't become your home office! Keeping your bedroom quiet, dark and cool will create a healthy sleeping environment.

5. Get out of bed if you can’t sleep

If you haven’t been able to sleep for a while, it won't help to toss and turn lamenting the fact you're not sleeping. In fact, beating yourself up will make things worse. Get up and do a calming activity, like reading a book, in dim light until you’re tired and then try going back to bed. If you find you're overthinking things, it may also help to write down some of the thoughts you're experiencing to get them out of your head.

If sleep continues to be an issue, it’s worth talking to a specialist and finding about the full range of treatment options available. A good place to start is your GP.

You can also find an extensive range of fact sheets and resources on the Sleep Health Foundation's website.

Wherever you are in Australia, you can speak with a trained mental health professional via the Beyond Blue Support Service: Call 1300 22 4636 Lifeline 13 11 14

Content from beyondblue.org.au

julian masters 9/28/22 julian masters 9/28/22

High standards, high emotions: What do we do with our Perfectionist Kids?

After receiving 79% on his exam, a mother tried to cheer up her perfectionist son by saying “You’ve gotta B positive!”

“It’s pronounced ‘B plus,’” he replied, “and I wanted an A!”

High achievers, high standards, high anxiety… raising a perfectionist can be a tough gig. As parents, we want our children to thrive and succeed and yet it can be difficult to know how to best support their needs. Perfectionism, defined as “demanding of oneself or others a higher quality of performance than is required by the situation” (Hollender, 1965), is a multidimensional construct (Stoeber & Childs, 2011). The spectrum ranges from non-perfectionist to healthy perfectionist, to dysfunctional perfectionist. There are children who find joy and accomplishment from setting high standards for themselves, completing challenging tasks, and putting in the effort to achieve these high standards. There are also many children who set impossibly high, unrealistic goals and are unable to derive any enjoyment from their achievements because they deem themselves falling short no matter what. There may be lots of self-reproach and negativity. Some children may avoid trying new things altogether, or quit tasks early on if mastery doesn’t come easily or quickly. Perfectionism, as with many other character traits, appears to derive from the age-old combination of nature versus nurture, a mixture of inborn tendencies and environmental factors. Twin studies point to moderate influence of genetics on perfectionism, while environmental factors may include the messages and modelling children receive around achievement, success, and failure. An environment that focuses on achievement goals over learning-for-understanding goals is more likely to predict dysfunctional perfectionism (Ablard & Parker, 1997), while children who are frequently criticised and held to high standards by their caregivers and educators may likewise express perfectionism as a maladaptive coping strategy (Cook & Kearney, 2014). Furthermore, if a child feels their acceptance and access to love and care is conditional upon meeting exemplary standards, perfectionism is highly likely to develop. Child temperament can also play a significant role, and children who exhibit anxiety and strong sensitivity are more likely to develop perfectionism. Additionally, children observe the adults in their lives – parents, teachers, coaches, and if they see perfectionism modelled to them, they are likely to develop the same standards (Iranzo-Tatay et al., 2015) Perfectionism has significant adverse consequences for children, particularly in terms of their mental health and general well-being. Perfectionism is associated with anxiety, depression, social stress, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and eating disorders (Hewitt et al., 2002; Soreni et al., 2014).

Children who are dysfunctional perfectionists may exhibit:

exceptionally high, unrealistic expectations for themselves, and sometimes others
self-criticism, self-consciousness, social inhibition
low self-confidence and a strong sense of inadequacy
persistent anxiety about making mistakes
sensitivity to criticism and correction
avoidance of new or difficult tasks by procrastinating or not engaging at all
criticism of others who don’t meet their standards
difficulty making decisions and prioritising tasks
somatic symptoms, such as headaches and physical pain when they are under pressure, or achieve below their expectations of themselves.

A key feature of perfectionistic children is the rigid, distorted perceptions of how they view themselves and the world (Fletcher & Neumeister, 2012). These children set impossibly high standards for themselves e.g. “I must be the best in the class,” “I must get over 90% for every assessment.” They may display various unhelpful thinking styles such as black and white thinking (“I have to get the top mark, or I’m a giant failure”), overgeneralising (“I got a C in Science, I’m the worst student ever”), catastrophising (“If I fail this test, I won’t pass English, I’ll fail high school and never get into uni or get a good job”), and focusing on the negatives (“I let the goal in from the other team, I played terribly”).

By viewing themselves and the world through these filters, children filter out positive information and instead focus on information and experiences that confirm their underlying fears that they’ll never be good enough, becoming trapped in a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies. Self-critical beliefs and avoidant behaviours are exacerbated and increase anxiety and distress. These patterns and behaviours displayed by perfectionists can be frustrating and difficult to watch. Unfortunately, helping our perfectionist child is not as simple as telling them to lower their expectations or standards, as you may have already tried and found out, with many resultant tears. It’s too simple to say “don’t worry,” “you’ll be fine,” or “it won’t matter in the long run.”

So how do we best support our children through these struggles?

While each child is different and will best respond to a nuanced approach, here are some suggestions for how you can help at home:

• Provide unconditional love and support

• Avoid comparing children

• Acknowledge (and validate without judgement) your child’s difficult emotions such as frustration, jealousy, anxiety, sadness. You don’t have to agree with what is causing their emotions to hold space for it.

• Explore the difference between holding realistic high standards for yourself and holding impossible standards

• Challenge statements that reveal unhelpful thinking styles as these perpetuate the anxiety and avoidance associated with perfectionism. Helping your child develop more compassionate and realistic thoughts helps them embody the confidence and resilience needed to face challenge. Questions to explore with your child could include: What is the evidence for and against this thought? What are some other possibilities? What is the worst that could realistically happen? Can I be 100% sure this is true? What would other people say about this problem? What would I tell a friend who had this problem? If the worst really did happen, what could I do and who could help me? What if it all went well, what is the best possible outcome? Replacing negative talk with more realistic self-talk develops more flexible thinking patterns and lets children know their worth and acceptance is not determined by the mistakes they make or the marks they achieve (Fletcher & Neumeister, 2012).

• Often children will avoid tasks like research projects, performing in concert recitals, or delivering a presentation because it appears to daunting to begin, and is therefore bypassed altogether. Helping children develop the skills of problem solving, and prioritising tasks are two practical strategies that provide tangible help (Gnilka et al., 2012; Higgins, 2021). Helping your child break down assignments into manageable segments, or completing small chunks of homework at regular intervals, can provide the scaffolding to achieve. Collaborating with your child, as you and them together against the problem, helps them see you as an advocate and support rather than an adversary. Exploring solutions together, testing and trying them out develops the resilience and problem-solving skills they will need for the future. Over time, children will feel more confident and better equipped to confront challenges with flexibility, rather than feeling overwhelmed and resistant as soon as a problem arises.

• Teach them to revise, start again, and learn from errors instead of giving up after one try. Foster a growth mindset so they see opportunities instead of obstacles and see failure as a chance to develop abilities further. Talent, intelligence, and ability may differ from person to person, but we can all cultivate these attributes with effort and persistence.

• For children who tend to procrastinate, change the goal from perfection to completion.

• Encourage and model calming and grounding skills such as calm breathing, going for a walk, listening to music, stretching.

• Discover and learn about successful people who overcame failure, persevered, and achieved greatness e.g. Helen Keller, Nelson Mandela, Malala Yousafzai, Simone Biles. If you have real life role models for your children who can embody a growth mindset, even better!

• Create opportunities for learning new things without pressure for the sake of enjoyment. Take a family pottery class together, learn a new game, cook something new.

• Children learn what we do, not just what we say. We may need to examine our own standards and approach to failure. While setting high standards for ourselves can have useful outcomes for our success at school and work, but what message do we send if we ourselves are constantly frustrated, comparing ourselves to others, talking harshly about ourselves, or avoiding things for fear of our own failures? Children learn resilience, perseverance, how to use their strengths and weaknesses, how to sit with discomfort and failure, how to enjoy challenge by watching us as parents set goals, make a plan, try hard, shift the goals, try again, recalibrate, and cope when things don’t go as we planned (Greblo & Bratko 2014). We may need to examine our own competitiveness and where necessary, reduce the emphasis on winning. We need to model and admit to our mistakes, tell the stories of our failures and how we coped, and model perseverance when faced with our own challenges. Take note how you speak about yourself and your achievements in front of your children, and demonstrate self-compassion and constructive coping skills.

If problems persist, and perfectionism continues to impact your children’s ability to be their best selves, achieve their goals, and navigate the world with confidence, then it is time to consider whether getting some extra support is warranted. See your GP to be appraised for a Mental Health Treatment Plan and referral to a mental health professional who can provide targeted intervention.

“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.”

— Winston Churchill

Further resources

- The Epic Fail Game https://www.theepicfailgame.com/

- The Perfectionism Workbook for Teens: Activities to help you reduce anxiety and get things done, by Ann Marie Dobosz

- Raising Human Beings, by Ross Greene

- Big Life Journal https://biglifejournal.com.au/

- The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown

References

Ablard, K. E., & Parker, W. D. (1997). Parents' achievement goals and perfectionism in their academically talented children. Journal of youth and adolescence, 26(6), 651-667. doi: 10.1023/A:1022392524554

Cook, L. C., & Kearney, C. A. (2014). Parent perfectionism and psychopathology symptoms and child perfectionism. Personality and Individual Differences, 70, 1-6. doi: 10.1016/j.paid.2014.06.020

Fletcher, K. L., & Neumeister, K. L. (2012). Research on perfectionism and achievement motivation: Implications for gifted students. Psychology in the Schools, 49(7), 668-677. doi: 10.1002/pits.21623

Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2022). Perfectionism in childhood and adolescence: A developmental approach. American Psychological Association. doi: 10.1037/0000289-000

Gnilka, P. B., Ashby, J. S., & Noble, C. M. (2012). Multidimensional perfectionism and anxiety: Differences among individuals with perfectionism and tests of a coping‐mediation model. Journal of Counseling & Development, 90(4), 427-436. doi: 10.1002/j.1556-6676.2012.00054.x

Greblo, Z., & Bratko, D. (2014). Parents' perfectionism and its relation to child rearing behaviors. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 55(2), 180-185. doi: 10.1111/sjop.12116

Hewitt, P. L., Caelian, C. F., Flett, G. L., Sherry, S. B., Collins, L., & Flynn, C. A. (2002). Perfectionism in children: Associations with depression, anxiety, and anger. Personality and individual Differences, 32(6), 1049-1061. doi: 10.1016/S0191-8869(01)00109-X

Hollender, M. H. (1965). Perfectionism. Comprehensive psychiatry, 6(2), 94-103. doi: 10.1016/S0010-440X(65)80016-5

Higgins, E. (2021). The Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) Model as an Effective Intervention for Youth who Present with Behaviour that Challenges: A Review. In LEARN (Vol. 21, p. 97).

Iranzo-Tatay, C., Gimeno-Clemente, N., Barberá-Fons, M., Rodriguez-Campayo, M. Á., Rojo-Bofill, L., Livianos-Aldana, L., ... & Rojo-Moreno, L. (2015). Genetic and environmental contributions to perfectionism and its common factors. Psychiatry Research, 230(3), 932-939. doi: 10.1016/j.psychres.2015.11.020

Soreni, N., Streiner, D., McCabe, R., Bullard, C., Swinson, R., Greco, A., ... & Szatmari, P. (2014). Dimensions of perfectionism in children and adolescents with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Journal of the Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 23(2), 136.

Stoeber, Joachim and Childs, Julian H. (2011) Perfectionism. In: Levesque, Roger J. R., ed. Encyclopedia of adolescence. Springer, New York, pp. 2053-2059. doi: 10.1007/978-1-4419-1695-2_279

julian masters 7/4/22 julian masters 7/4/22

Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous loss is unresolved grief, and grieving someone who is still alive. Ambiguous loss differs from ordinary because there is no verification of death or certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be.

Ambiguous loss has been described as frozen sadness and falls into two categories:

Physically absent but psychologically present

This includes situations where a loved one is physically missing. Those who are grieving may struggle with thoughts around if their person is dead or alive, are they ok, safe etc.
Extreme examples include war, terrorism, missing people and kidnapping; natural disasters including earthquake, flood, tsunami. More common examples include adoption, divorce, immigration (with loss of physical contact with family and friends).

Psychologically absent but physically present

This includes situations where a loved one is psychologically absent; that is, emotionally or cognitively gone or missing.

Examples include dementia, addictions, chronic mental illness, physical illness (medication, brain tumours), acquired brain injury/head trauma. Psychologically ambiguous loss can also result from obsessions or preoccupations with losses that never make sense, e.g., suicide or infant deaths.

Living and caring for family members who are in either of these two categories carries not only the grief response; it can also cause strain on family structures, relationships, finances, social connections, physical health and overall wellbeing.

What to do:

Dr Pauline Boss (2006 “Loss, Trauma and Resilience; Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss” 6 themes to explore for living with ambiguous loss:

Finding Meaning

Gaining Control Over the Unknowns

Reconstructing Identity

Normalising Ambivalence

Revising Attachment

Discovering New Hope

Finding Meaning:

Being able to make sense of an event or situation and eventually finding some logic, coherence or rational reasoning about what has happened.

What helps: Naming the problem, reasoned thinking, faith and spirituality; forgiveness, small acts of kindness and doing things for others and for the greater good, rituals, positive attribution, seeing suffering as inevitable, finding hope.

Gaining Control Over the Unknowns:

How we cope with a situation is influenced by beliefs about mastery (the ability to manage our life) and agency (the ability to exert power when needed to manage our life). Mastery is having a sense of control over our life. Constructive mastery is finding a balance between expectations that are too high or too low.

What helps: recognising that the world is not always just and fair, externalising the blame, decreasing self-blame, identifying past competencies, managing, and making decisions, increasing success experiences, accepting (sometimes) what will not change, knowing the exceptions, reconstructing rituals, mastering our own thoughts and emotions.

Reconstructing Identity

Identity is defined as knowing who one is and what roles one plays in relation to others in family and community. Ambiguous loss can cause loss identity for both the individual and family. It changes our understanding of who we are, the roles we play and where we belong. Some questions that may be asked include: Who am I now? who is really my family now? what roles am I expected to perform now? what community do I now belong? where is home? Redefining our identity after an ambiguous loss is essential for maintaining resilience and overall wellbeing.

What helps: establishing who the family is – who is in and out; reconstructing roles, broadening family rules for problem solving, revising family roles and tasks for rituals and celebrations; identifying positive family themes about resilience, co-constructing rituals without the person who is lost and developing shared values and views.

Normalising Ambivalence Ambiguous loss leads to ambivalent feelings, emotions and behaviours toward the lost person and others in the family. Normalising ambivalence requires acknowledging its existence. Then the ability to cope with the tension it causes, will not be so overwhelming.

What helps: normalising guilt and negative feelings (not harmful actions); using arts to increase understanding of ambivalence, regaining personal agency, seeing the community as family, asking questions about context and situation, valuing diverse ways of managing ambivalence, developing tolerance for tension, using cognitive strategies to cope.

Revising Attachment Revising our attachment to the person lost is essential for resilience. This is a gradual process and requires leaning to live with the possibility of recovery yet, simultaneously, recognising the loss may be permanent. Closure is not possible with ambiguous loss, rather the relationship is different. The goal is to accept the ambiguity and uncertainty of absence and presence i.e. Living with the ambiguity of a close attachment while finding new connections.

What helps: developing memorial ceremonies and farewell rituals, knowing fantasies of the missing person are normal, including children and adolescents in therapy when parents or siblings are lost, using arts.

Discovering New Hope Hope has many definitions; one idea is a belief in a good future. A positive belief with and expectation of fulfilment and that suffering will stop. Where loss remains unclear, extra effort is required to find hope and what one hopes for will need to change over the time the loss remains ambiguous. Unlike the previous 5 guidelines, hope can both benefit and hinder adjustment to ambiguous loss. Hope helps when it is realistic. When sadness is normalised and we let go of an impossible past and shift to a hopeful future, resilience will be strengthened, and healing will progress. Hope can hinder healing when closure and definitive answers are expected, and we hold on to the wish for life as it was.

If you or someone you know is struggling with ambiguous loss, please give us a call to set up an appointment with one of our clinicians, who will walk along side you in your pain. You can contact the clinic on 08 9409 6709.

Written by Kristen Tovey, Senior Social Worker at Masters Psychology in Perth, Western Australia. Registered with AASW as a Mental Health Social Worker.

julian masters 6/28/22 julian masters 6/28/22

Feelings of Helplessness

Dealing with feelings of helplessness when living in a world in crisis.

There is a lot going on in the wider world at the moment and it is normal to feel helpless in the face of such extraordinary events. Within this article is some insight on how to manage when things seem out of your control.

Focus on what is in your control and how you can help

Maybe you can’t travel to areas affected by floods, assist refugees fleeing unsafe situations, or change policies to address climate change directly, but there are other ways we can assist. If you have the means, it may be donating money or supplies to organisations who are on the frontlines. If you are not able to do this, it can be helpful to turn your attention to the community directly around you – do you have the capacity to help make those around you feel safe and happy? Could you volunteer with a local organisation, or do a good deed for a neighbour, friend, or family member?

Set aside “thinking time”

With so much going on in the world and constant access to news updates through social media and television programmes, it can feel overwhelming and increase our sense of hopelessness. It is important to give yourself a break from consuming information of constant turmoil. You may not be any good to anyone if you are constantly feeling stressed out and overwhelmed.

The best way to combat this constant barrage of information is to set aside specific times to engage with content and to think about the issues you are concerned with. We are going to call this your “thinking time”.

Your “thinking time” is your chance to think about all things related to the issue you are concerned about, it is your chance to catch up on the news and to plan anything you can action. Outside of this time if a thought pops into your mind related to the issue (i.e., “I am worried about the floods”) then you remind yourself that you will come back to this in your designated “thinking time” and you refocus on whatever it was you were doing before the thought popped into your mind. It can often be beneficial to briefly jot down the thoughts that pop into your mind otherwise our brains have a way of trying to remind us by constantly bringing up the thought.

The best time to do your “thinking time” is usually afternoon as if we do our thinking time first thing in the morning this can sometimes have a negative impact on our mood for the rest of the day, and if we do it too close to our bedtime it can get our mind active and we may find it difficult to fall asleep.

For extra information on how to set up your “thinking time” visit the Centre for Clinical Interventions’ website where you will find resources on “postponing your worry” which is a similar concept to “thinking time”.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Worry-and-Rumination

Remember to help yourself!

As the adage goes, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you assist others. In other words, if you are stressed and overwhelmed you are not going to be able to help anyone else. When feeling helpless we sometimes need to turn our sights on ourselves and acknowledge the impact these events are having on our own wellbeing and explore ways that we can help ourselves. If you are feeling overwhelmed by helplessness, take some time to focus on what you can do for yourself: make yourself a cup of tea, go for a walk, chat with a friend. By looking after yourself it is sure to improve your ability to achieve results in the areas that are in your control.

Hopefully these suggestions can help you if you are struggling with feelings of helplessness. If you find that you are continuing to struggle with anxiety related to helplessness it is a good idea to seek professional help.

Content by: Courtney Lander

Disclaimer: This document is for information purposes only and is not specifically tailored intervention or treatment. It may not be appropriate for ones personal mental health needs or for use in crisis situations. Should you or someone you know be experiencing a crisis, before making use of such information, please consult with your GP, mental health professional or call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

julian masters 6/13/22 julian masters 6/13/22

Motherhood, memories, and musings through Covid. Part 2: To sojourn the road untravelled

Since the arrival of Covid-19, the landscape of parenting has shifted significantly for the majority of expectant and new mothers. The expectations and hopes we held, and rhythms and routines we planned have been disrupted, without a clear way forward for what to do instead. As you make your way down the road ahead, a path that is unclear, or unknow for us all, may you reflect on the following as a guide forward.

1. Your grief is valid.

The pandemic is marked by loss and grief, individually and collectively. We deeply mourn the loss of loved ones, we mourn the loss of the world we knew and what we thought was to come. Things we’d hoped for and waited for, like weddings, graduations, travel plans, events and more were cancelled to minimise the spread and harm of the virus. The disruption in the normal rhythm and routines of our everyday life was jarring. We grieve the loss of what we took for granted. In the midst of that, the birth of a child is a contrast - where others lost their lives, we gained one. It may feel strange, or unsettling to grieve such an event. But humanity is vast and complex, (I am large, I contain multitudes). Grief can follow any kind of loss, including the loss of “un-had things.” Australian poet... Charlotte Wallin wrote “I grieve the loss of things I never had. Things that lived in my mind and which I therefore felt a sense of ownership over, even if they weren’t mine… I’ll feel the absence of these things. A reminder that life will only ever hold a fraction of all conceivable possibilities, the rest silently dissipating.” What expectant and new parents lost during the pandemic is valid to grieve, and your feelings are normal. Hold space and self-compassion for yourself, without judgement or castigating yourself for what you think you should be feeling.

“I grieve the loss of things I never had. Things that lived in my mind and which I therefore felt a sense of ownership over, even if they weren’t mine… I’ll feel the absence of these things. A reminder that life will only ever hold a fraction of all conceivable possibilities, the rest silently dissipating.”

— Charlotte Wallin

2. It’s not too late.

Humans like milestones and timelines. Baby showers, first birthdays, 18th and 21st birthdays, weddings, graduations. We like to celebrate these milestones, we look forward to them in our lives and the lives of loved ones. For many, these events and more were cancelled or rescheduled during Covid. And then rescheduled again. And then once more. And then perhaps, just not at all. It may seem too late to celebrate these events now. The moment has gone, people have moved on. But it’s not. These milestones, in many ways, are arbitrary. Why celebrate a 30th birthday instead of a 31st? There is nothing inherent in being 30 that makes it worthy of a bigger cake or a bigger celebration, except perhaps that we like a good, rounded number to land on. The origins of baby showers date back to ancient civilisations and were times of ritual and ceremony with spiritual, superstitious or mystical underpinnings to prepare and celebrate a pregnancy, prepare for the new identity of “mother” and provide support for the birth and newborn period. Modern era baby showers took off in the post-war baby boom era, helping to provide a new mother with the material goods needed to raise a child. Nowadays, few would hold that a baby shower is needed in order for a priest to visit to hold a confessional for your sins like in Medieval Europe, or to separate a pregnant mother to contain the pollution of birth as in Ancient Egypt. Baby showers now hold a different function – yes, lovely gifts, but also community, connection, and celebration. Who makes the rules then that this can only happen during pregnancy, or in the few weeks after birth if baby came early? If you missed out during Covid, can you hold a “Threenager” baby shower, providing a mother with the support needed to navigate toddlerhood? In South Korea, age is based on birth year, not days. When a baby is born, she is considered a year old. When the year changes on January first, the child gains another year, meaning a child born in December will be counted as two years old by January. Age can be somewhat arbitrary. So go ahead and hold a cake smash for your 26 month old darling, have a “newborn” photo shoot for your one year old. It is “better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” You’re allowed to make a big deal of things that were a big deal to you. Have your events, celebrate your overdue milestones, hold the party, because it’s not too late to mark these moments as special and worthy of celebrating.

3. Create your support network.

Motherhood can be lonely, where we may end up cut off from our friends, or even our former selves. To combat this, many mothers who access services via the public child health services are linked in with parenting groups and services, which were then suspended during Covid. We were promised a community, but instead we got random facebook groups. Again, it may feel like the moment has passed to join a mother’s group or a playgroup because these are things we perhaps associate with the newborn period. But we need support the entire way through our parenting journey. The old adage, “it takes a village” is oft repeated, especially in the early days of parenting. However, parents need a village for the entire journey of parenting, from the newborn days to launching a fledgling young adult and beyond. What the support from the village looks like may differ, but the need to connect, discuss, explore, vent, and question remains. Our curated social media may also make it seem like everyone else has moved on fine, and that no one else is feeling as isolated as you, or is struggling with all this parenting stuff to the same extent. This is certainly not the case, as those of us who have worked in mental health spaces can attest. Take that step and reach out to others who became parents at the same time, send a message and ask to meet up, join the community playgroup, start your own regular picnic and coffee hangs. You may be surprised at how many other mums are craving that same connection.

4. Human nature is tenacious and resilient.

Our capacity to recover after times of loss is held in the redemptive qualities of creativity and connection. Whatever you need to make up for what went unacknowledged, unrealised, or unfulfilled is valid. If there is ever a time that our collective consciousness makes space for belated celebrations, quirky themes, do-overs, or starting something for the second, third, or fifth time, it is now.

5. Hold space for learning, growth, and self-compassion.

In his bestselling book, The Reality Slap, Dr Russ Harris, medical practitioner and psychotherapist, uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to guide people through the difficulties that arise when there is a gap between how we want things to be, and how they actually are in reality. Death, illness, loss, divorce, freak accidents, betrayal, as well as envy, loneliness, resentment, failure, disappointment, and rejection can all deeply hurt. The hard truth is that painful and difficult events are unavoidable across the span of our lives and the way we respond to these events is what allows us to lead rich and rewarding lives. When there is a reality gap, we can seek out support and connection, problem solve what we can, practice grounding and soothing strategies for distress tolerance, and pursue our values with wisdom and compassion.

We cannot go back into the past and undo what the pandemic took from us. Life goes on, whether we want it to or not. We may never be able to redo all the things we lost, despite our best intentions and plans. This is the human condition, shared by all of us. Go gently forward with kindness into this future we have now, holding deep compassion for yourself and others. Your mothering journey will change and ebb and flow around a vast array of moments and choices that you and your family will grow through. It’s going to be ok.

Disclaimer

The contents of this blog are not prepared as definitive statements or prescribed instruction for your personal or professional circumstance and no guarantee can be given that todays discussion is free from error or omission. The diagnosis and treatment of mental health challenges requires the specific attention of a GP or other properly qualified mental health professional engaged to treat your personal circumstance in the appropriate setting.

Masters & Co., all employees and agents shall accept no liability for any act or omission occurring as a result of reliance on the information at this workshop and for any consequences of any such act or omission. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis please contact LIFELINE on 13 11 14 (Open 24 hours) or contact admin@masterspsychology.com.au for more information.

Bibliography

Report no. 7: Becoming a new parent in the COVID-19 pandemic: Insights on the Australian family experience: Families in Australia Survey 2 | Australian Institute of Family Studies (aifs.gov.au)

Motherhood and medicine in the time of COVID‐19 | The Medical Journal of Australia (mja.com.au)

Motherhood in the Time of Coronavirus: The Impact of the Pandemic Emergency on Expectant and Postpartum Women's Psychological Well-Being - PubMed (nih.gov)

Becoming a mother in the 'new' social world in Australia during the first wave of the COVID-19 pandemic - PubMed (nih.gov)

Perinatal Distress During COVID-19: Thematic Analysis of an Online Parenting Forum - PubMed (nih.gov)

The impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on maternal and perinatal health: a scoping review - PubMed (nih.gov)

Coping with Covid-19: stress, control and coping among pregnant women in Ireland during the Covid-19 pandemic - PubMed (nih.gov)

Isolation, anxiousness, depression: What it's like becoming a mother during the COVID-19 pandemic - ABC News

Parents Are Stressed! Patterns of Parent Stress Across COVID-19 - PMC (nih.gov)

Whitman, W., 2019. Song of Myself (1892 version). [online] Poetry Foundation. Available at: <https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45477/song-of-myself-1892-version> [Accessed 27 April 2022].

Baby Showers: a Rite of Passage in Transition | ACR (acrwebsite.org)

Pascoe Leahy, C. (2021). Maternal heritage: remembering mothering and motherhood through material culture. International Journal of Heritage Studies, 27(10), 991-1010.

Harris, R. (2012). The reality slap: Finding peace and fulfillment when life hurts. New Harbinger Publications.

julian masters 6/8/22 julian masters 6/8/22

Motherhood, memories and musings through Covid - Part 1: Into the Unknown

When I was a teenager, I worked at an organisation that offered spaces to community groups to gather and meet. Walking to one of our storerooms one day, I scooted past a group of mothers with young babies, sitting in a circle and talking about sleep, feeding and routines. “How boring,” I thought, “I don’t think I’ll join one of those groups when I have a baby.” Fast forward several years and contrary to my naïve expectations, my mother’s group and playgroups were some of the bright sparks in the early days of my introduction to parenting. I found connection, support, ideas, validation and friendship while navigating sleep and feeding, and learning about this little person who had turned my life upside down.

Our expectations of what motherhood is like can, for some, begin before we are even pregnant. We develop ideals, hopes about our baby, what maternity leave may be like, how we’ll spend our days, and the way we will orient our lives around this new addition. This is in part fuelled by the explosion in social media in the past decade. No longer do we have to seek out what motherhood will be like in the pages of magazines and books with which we purposely chose to engage. Now, for better or worse, we see motherhood and families represented in our social media feeds as we scroll by. And due to that ever-omniscient algorithm, the minute we like or interact with one post on a certain topic, a plethora of other related content will be offered up. So as soon as we start to google baby names, or research heartburn during the first trimester, our mental musings are slowly shaped by these offerings of what our future is about to be like. We see cute clothes, deluxe nurseries, pictures of parents pushing their babies on the swings at the park, first birthday cake smashes, and an overall plethora of highs and lows of what awaits us following the birth of a baby. We begin the world of parenting with a whole set of implicit and explicit ideas of what this new phase of life will be like.

And yet… two years ago, Covid-19 arrived and changed the world as we knew it. Social distancing and mask wearing became the norm. We spent months separated from friends and families. We worked from home. We postponed weddings and major events. We celebrated Zoom happy hours, drinking wine with friends, but separated via a screen. How we interacted with the community at large changed considerably. There was an immediate shift in how medical and allied health care services were provided. In the arena of pregnancy, birth, and the early postnatal period, support services were restricted and limited in terms of face-to-face, hands-on care. Services were moved online, reduced in capacity, or cancelled altogether to comply with public health mandates. While the extent of these restrictions were experienced differently across Australia and for different time periods, it still stands that for many parents who welcomed new babies into their lives for the first, second, or even fifth time over the past two years, the landscape of parenting a new baby has profoundly changed, leading to notable impacts on parental mental health.

Indeed, there has been an array of research published around the world within the past two years investigating the impact of the Covid-19 pandemic on family and parenting experiences. Studies indicated that becoming a new parent, or parent again, during the pandemic was associated with anxiety and fear about future engagement with health services; feelings of isolation and loneliness and, disappointment at missing out on both formal and informal services, supports, and connection with others. Already a time of heightened emotions and stress, the pandemic soured many expectant and new parents’ experiences of having a baby, with the research suggesting a particularly negative impact on first-time mothers. None of these findings will likely be a surprise to new mums reading this.

“There is no manual for grief and loss, no guidelines for restoring all the intangible things that never came to be. So perhaps, we must make the road by walking.”

What, then, do we do now? The pandemic was not a small blip on the timeline of our lives but represents a seismic shift in life as we know it. We did not wait out a few weeks of disruption before returning to the normal routines and rhythms of our lives. Time has trekked on. Seasons, events, and lockdowns have come and gone, babies were born and have grown taller and bigger and older. Some mums and dads have only ever known parenting during a pandemic and have now had multiple children born into this strange new world. Meanwhile, we are left with the grief, disappointment, regret, and loss of the experiences we felt promised, were meant to have, or deeply wanted. What do we do with this? We can’t go back in time, there is no rewind button. The research suggests that “compensatory social and emotional support should be considered” (Chivers et al., 2020), with an increased need for enhanced mental health resources and supports that reduce stressors and create effective strategies that mitigate the deleterious impact of the pandemic (Adams et al, 2021). What this looks like, however, isn’t clear. **

“Wanderer, your footsteps are the road, and nothing more; wanderer, there is no road, the road is made by walking. By walking one makes the road, and upon glancing behind one sees the path that never will be trod again. Wanderer, there is no road– Only wakes upon the sea. ”

— Antonio Machado, Campos de Castilla

How do we even make the road? Part 2 out on the 13th June.