Motherhood, memories, and musings through Covid. Part 2: To sojourn the road untravelled
Since the arrival of Covid-19, the landscape of parenting has shifted significantly for the majority of expectant and new mothers. The expectations and hopes we held, and rhythms and routines we planned have been disrupted, without a clear way forward for what to do instead. As you make your way down the road ahead, a path that is unclear, or unknow for us all, may you reflect on the following as a guide forward.
1. Your grief is valid.
The pandemic is marked by loss and grief, individually and collectively. We deeply mourn the loss of loved ones, we mourn the loss of the world we knew and what we thought was to come. Things we’d hoped for and waited for, like weddings, graduations, travel plans, events and more were cancelled to minimise the spread and harm of the virus. The disruption in the normal rhythm and routines of our everyday life was jarring. We grieve the loss of what we took for granted. In the midst of that, the birth of a child is a contrast - where others lost their lives, we gained one. It may feel strange, or unsettling to grieve such an event. But humanity is vast and complex, (I am large, I contain multitudes). Grief can follow any kind of loss, including the loss of “un-had things.” Australian poet... Charlotte Wallin wrote “I grieve the loss of things I never had. Things that lived in my mind and which I therefore felt a sense of ownership over, even if they weren’t mine… I’ll feel the absence of these things. A reminder that life will only ever hold a fraction of all conceivable possibilities, the rest silently dissipating.” What expectant and new parents lost during the pandemic is valid to grieve, and your feelings are normal. Hold space and self-compassion for yourself, without judgement or castigating yourself for what you think you should be feeling.
“I grieve the loss of things I never had. Things that lived in my mind and which I therefore felt a sense of ownership over, even if they weren’t mine… I’ll feel the absence of these things. A reminder that life will only ever hold a fraction of all conceivable possibilities, the rest silently dissipating.”
2. It’s not too late.
Humans like milestones and timelines. Baby showers, first birthdays, 18th and 21st birthdays, weddings, graduations. We like to celebrate these milestones, we look forward to them in our lives and the lives of loved ones. For many, these events and more were cancelled or rescheduled during Covid. And then rescheduled again. And then once more. And then perhaps, just not at all. It may seem too late to celebrate these events now. The moment has gone, people have moved on. But it’s not. These milestones, in many ways, are arbitrary. Why celebrate a 30th birthday instead of a 31st? There is nothing inherent in being 30 that makes it worthy of a bigger cake or a bigger celebration, except perhaps that we like a good, rounded number to land on. The origins of baby showers date back to ancient civilisations and were times of ritual and ceremony with spiritual, superstitious or mystical underpinnings to prepare and celebrate a pregnancy, prepare for the new identity of “mother” and provide support for the birth and newborn period. Modern era baby showers took off in the post-war baby boom era, helping to provide a new mother with the material goods needed to raise a child. Nowadays, few would hold that a baby shower is needed in order for a priest to visit to hold a confessional for your sins like in Medieval Europe, or to separate a pregnant mother to contain the pollution of birth as in Ancient Egypt. Baby showers now hold a different function – yes, lovely gifts, but also community, connection, and celebration. Who makes the rules then that this can only happen during pregnancy, or in the few weeks after birth if baby came early? If you missed out during Covid, can you hold a “Threenager” baby shower, providing a mother with the support needed to navigate toddlerhood? In South Korea, age is based on birth year, not days. When a baby is born, she is considered a year old. When the year changes on January first, the child gains another year, meaning a child born in December will be counted as two years old by January. Age can be somewhat arbitrary. So go ahead and hold a cake smash for your 26 month old darling, have a “newborn” photo shoot for your one year old. It is “better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” You’re allowed to make a big deal of things that were a big deal to you. Have your events, celebrate your overdue milestones, hold the party, because it’s not too late to mark these moments as special and worthy of celebrating.
3. Create your support network.
Motherhood can be lonely, where we may end up cut off from our friends, or even our former selves. To combat this, many mothers who access services via the public child health services are linked in with parenting groups and services, which were then suspended during Covid. We were promised a community, but instead we got random facebook groups. Again, it may feel like the moment has passed to join a mother’s group or a playgroup because these are things we perhaps associate with the newborn period. But we need support the entire way through our parenting journey. The old adage, “it takes a village” is oft repeated, especially in the early days of parenting. However, parents need a village for the entire journey of parenting, from the newborn days to launching a fledgling young adult and beyond. What the support from the village looks like may differ, but the need to connect, discuss, explore, vent, and question remains. Our curated social media may also make it seem like everyone else has moved on fine, and that no one else is feeling as isolated as you, or is struggling with all this parenting stuff to the same extent. This is certainly not the case, as those of us who have worked in mental health spaces can attest. Take that step and reach out to others who became parents at the same time, send a message and ask to meet up, join the community playgroup, start your own regular picnic and coffee hangs. You may be surprised at how many other mums are craving that same connection.
4. Human nature is tenacious and resilient.
Our capacity to recover after times of loss is held in the redemptive qualities of creativity and connection. Whatever you need to make up for what went unacknowledged, unrealised, or unfulfilled is valid. If there is ever a time that our collective consciousness makes space for belated celebrations, quirky themes, do-overs, or starting something for the second, third, or fifth time, it is now.
5. Hold space for learning, growth, and self-compassion.
In his bestselling book, The Reality Slap, Dr Russ Harris, medical practitioner and psychotherapist, uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to guide people through the difficulties that arise when there is a gap between how we want things to be, and how they actually are in reality. Death, illness, loss, divorce, freak accidents, betrayal, as well as envy, loneliness, resentment, failure, disappointment, and rejection can all deeply hurt. The hard truth is that painful and difficult events are unavoidable across the span of our lives and the way we respond to these events is what allows us to lead rich and rewarding lives. When there is a reality gap, we can seek out support and connection, problem solve what we can, practice grounding and soothing strategies for distress tolerance, and pursue our values with wisdom and compassion.
We cannot go back into the past and undo what the pandemic took from us. Life goes on, whether we want it to or not. We may never be able to redo all the things we lost, despite our best intentions and plans. This is the human condition, shared by all of us. Go gently forward with kindness into this future we have now, holding deep compassion for yourself and others. Your mothering journey will change and ebb and flow around a vast array of moments and choices that you and your family will grow through. It’s going to be ok.
Disclaimer
The contents of this blog are not prepared as definitive statements or prescribed instruction for your personal or professional circumstance and no guarantee can be given that todays discussion is free from error or omission. The diagnosis and treatment of mental health challenges requires the specific attention of a GP or other properly qualified mental health professional engaged to treat your personal circumstance in the appropriate setting.
Masters & Co., all employees and agents shall accept no liability for any act or omission occurring as a result of reliance on the information at this workshop and for any consequences of any such act or omission. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis please contact LIFELINE on 13 11 14 (Open 24 hours) or contact admin@masterspsychology.com.au for more information.
Bibliography
Report no. 7: Becoming a new parent in the COVID-19 pandemic: Insights on the Australian family experience: Families in Australia Survey 2 | Australian Institute of Family Studies (aifs.gov.au)
Motherhood and medicine in the time of COVID‐19 | The Medical Journal of Australia (mja.com.au)
Motherhood in the Time of Coronavirus: The Impact of the Pandemic Emergency on Expectant and Postpartum Women's Psychological Well-Being - PubMed (nih.gov)
Becoming a mother in the 'new' social world in Australia during the first wave of the COVID-19 pandemic - PubMed (nih.gov)
Perinatal Distress During COVID-19: Thematic Analysis of an Online Parenting Forum - PubMed (nih.gov)
The impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on maternal and perinatal health: a scoping review - PubMed (nih.gov)
Coping with Covid-19: stress, control and coping among pregnant women in Ireland during the Covid-19 pandemic - PubMed (nih.gov)
Isolation, anxiousness, depression: What it's like becoming a mother during the COVID-19 pandemic - ABC News
Parents Are Stressed! Patterns of Parent Stress Across COVID-19 - PMC (nih.gov)
Whitman, W., 2019. Song of Myself (1892 version). [online] Poetry Foundation. Available at: <https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45477/song-of-myself-1892-version> [Accessed 27 April 2022].
Baby Showers: a Rite of Passage in Transition | ACR (acrwebsite.org)
Pascoe Leahy, C. (2021). Maternal heritage: remembering mothering and motherhood through material culture. International Journal of Heritage Studies, 27(10), 991-1010.
Harris, R. (2012). The reality slap: Finding peace and fulfillment when life hurts. New Harbinger Publications.
