High standards, high emotions: What do we do with our Perfectionist Kids?
After receiving 79% on his exam, a mother tried to cheer up her perfectionist son by saying “You’ve gotta B positive!”
“It’s pronounced ‘B plus,’” he replied, “and I wanted an A!”
High achievers, high standards, high anxiety… raising a perfectionist can be a tough gig. As parents, we want our children to thrive and succeed and yet it can be difficult to know how to best support their needs. Perfectionism, defined as “demanding of oneself or others a higher quality of performance than is required by the situation” (Hollender, 1965), is a multidimensional construct (Stoeber & Childs, 2011). The spectrum ranges from non-perfectionist to healthy perfectionist, to dysfunctional perfectionist. There are children who find joy and accomplishment from setting high standards for themselves, completing challenging tasks, and putting in the effort to achieve these high standards. There are also many children who set impossibly high, unrealistic goals and are unable to derive any enjoyment from their achievements because they deem themselves falling short no matter what. There may be lots of self-reproach and negativity. Some children may avoid trying new things altogether, or quit tasks early on if mastery doesn’t come easily or quickly. Perfectionism, as with many other character traits, appears to derive from the age-old combination of nature versus nurture, a mixture of inborn tendencies and environmental factors. Twin studies point to moderate influence of genetics on perfectionism, while environmental factors may include the messages and modelling children receive around achievement, success, and failure. An environment that focuses on achievement goals over learning-for-understanding goals is more likely to predict dysfunctional perfectionism (Ablard & Parker, 1997), while children who are frequently criticised and held to high standards by their caregivers and educators may likewise express perfectionism as a maladaptive coping strategy (Cook & Kearney, 2014). Furthermore, if a child feels their acceptance and access to love and care is conditional upon meeting exemplary standards, perfectionism is highly likely to develop. Child temperament can also play a significant role, and children who exhibit anxiety and strong sensitivity are more likely to develop perfectionism. Additionally, children observe the adults in their lives – parents, teachers, coaches, and if they see perfectionism modelled to them, they are likely to develop the same standards (Iranzo-Tatay et al., 2015) Perfectionism has significant adverse consequences for children, particularly in terms of their mental health and general well-being. Perfectionism is associated with anxiety, depression, social stress, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and eating disorders (Hewitt et al., 2002; Soreni et al., 2014).
Children who are dysfunctional perfectionists may exhibit:
- exceptionally high, unrealistic expectations for themselves, and sometimes others
- self-criticism, self-consciousness, social inhibition
- low self-confidence and a strong sense of inadequacy
- persistent anxiety about making mistakes
- sensitivity to criticism and correction
- avoidance of new or difficult tasks by procrastinating or not engaging at all
- criticism of others who don’t meet their standards
- difficulty making decisions and prioritising tasks
- somatic symptoms, such as headaches and physical pain when they are under pressure, or achieve below their expectations of themselves.
A key feature of perfectionistic children is the rigid, distorted perceptions of how they view themselves and the world (Fletcher & Neumeister, 2012). These children set impossibly high standards for themselves e.g. “I must be the best in the class,” “I must get over 90% for every assessment.” They may display various unhelpful thinking styles such as black and white thinking (“I have to get the top mark, or I’m a giant failure”), overgeneralising (“I got a C in Science, I’m the worst student ever”), catastrophising (“If I fail this test, I won’t pass English, I’ll fail high school and never get into uni or get a good job”), and focusing on the negatives (“I let the goal in from the other team, I played terribly”).
By viewing themselves and the world through these filters, children filter out positive information and instead focus on information and experiences that confirm their underlying fears that they’ll never be good enough, becoming trapped in a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies. Self-critical beliefs and avoidant behaviours are exacerbated and increase anxiety and distress. These patterns and behaviours displayed by perfectionists can be frustrating and difficult to watch. Unfortunately, helping our perfectionist child is not as simple as telling them to lower their expectations or standards, as you may have already tried and found out, with many resultant tears. It’s too simple to say “don’t worry,” “you’ll be fine,” or “it won’t matter in the long run.”
So how do we best support our children through these struggles?
While each child is different and will best respond to a nuanced approach, here are some suggestions for how you can help at home:
• Provide unconditional love and support
• Avoid comparing children
• Acknowledge (and validate without judgement) your child’s difficult emotions such as frustration, jealousy, anxiety, sadness. You don’t have to agree with what is causing their emotions to hold space for it.
• Explore the difference between holding realistic high standards for yourself and holding impossible standards
• Challenge statements that reveal unhelpful thinking styles as these perpetuate the anxiety and avoidance associated with perfectionism. Helping your child develop more compassionate and realistic thoughts helps them embody the confidence and resilience needed to face challenge. Questions to explore with your child could include: What is the evidence for and against this thought? What are some other possibilities? What is the worst that could realistically happen? Can I be 100% sure this is true? What would other people say about this problem? What would I tell a friend who had this problem? If the worst really did happen, what could I do and who could help me? What if it all went well, what is the best possible outcome? Replacing negative talk with more realistic self-talk develops more flexible thinking patterns and lets children know their worth and acceptance is not determined by the mistakes they make or the marks they achieve (Fletcher & Neumeister, 2012).
• Often children will avoid tasks like research projects, performing in concert recitals, or delivering a presentation because it appears to daunting to begin, and is therefore bypassed altogether. Helping children develop the skills of problem solving, and prioritising tasks are two practical strategies that provide tangible help (Gnilka et al., 2012; Higgins, 2021). Helping your child break down assignments into manageable segments, or completing small chunks of homework at regular intervals, can provide the scaffolding to achieve. Collaborating with your child, as you and them together against the problem, helps them see you as an advocate and support rather than an adversary. Exploring solutions together, testing and trying them out develops the resilience and problem-solving skills they will need for the future. Over time, children will feel more confident and better equipped to confront challenges with flexibility, rather than feeling overwhelmed and resistant as soon as a problem arises.
• Teach them to revise, start again, and learn from errors instead of giving up after one try. Foster a growth mindset so they see opportunities instead of obstacles and see failure as a chance to develop abilities further. Talent, intelligence, and ability may differ from person to person, but we can all cultivate these attributes with effort and persistence.
• For children who tend to procrastinate, change the goal from perfection to completion.
• Encourage and model calming and grounding skills such as calm breathing, going for a walk, listening to music, stretching.
• Discover and learn about successful people who overcame failure, persevered, and achieved greatness e.g. Helen Keller, Nelson Mandela, Malala Yousafzai, Simone Biles. If you have real life role models for your children who can embody a growth mindset, even better!
• Create opportunities for learning new things without pressure for the sake of enjoyment. Take a family pottery class together, learn a new game, cook something new.
• Children learn what we do, not just what we say. We may need to examine our own standards and approach to failure. While setting high standards for ourselves can have useful outcomes for our success at school and work, but what message do we send if we ourselves are constantly frustrated, comparing ourselves to others, talking harshly about ourselves, or avoiding things for fear of our own failures? Children learn resilience, perseverance, how to use their strengths and weaknesses, how to sit with discomfort and failure, how to enjoy challenge by watching us as parents set goals, make a plan, try hard, shift the goals, try again, recalibrate, and cope when things don’t go as we planned (Greblo & Bratko 2014). We may need to examine our own competitiveness and where necessary, reduce the emphasis on winning. We need to model and admit to our mistakes, tell the stories of our failures and how we coped, and model perseverance when faced with our own challenges. Take note how you speak about yourself and your achievements in front of your children, and demonstrate self-compassion and constructive coping skills.
If problems persist, and perfectionism continues to impact your children’s ability to be their best selves, achieve their goals, and navigate the world with confidence, then it is time to consider whether getting some extra support is warranted. See your GP to be appraised for a Mental Health Treatment Plan and referral to a mental health professional who can provide targeted intervention.
“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.”
Further resources
- The Epic Fail Game https://www.theepicfailgame.com/
- The Perfectionism Workbook for Teens: Activities to help you reduce anxiety and get things done, by Ann Marie Dobosz
- Raising Human Beings, by Ross Greene
- Big Life Journal https://biglifejournal.com.au/
- The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown
References
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Cook, L. C., & Kearney, C. A. (2014). Parent perfectionism and psychopathology symptoms and child perfectionism. Personality and Individual Differences, 70, 1-6. doi: 10.1016/j.paid.2014.06.020
Fletcher, K. L., & Neumeister, K. L. (2012). Research on perfectionism and achievement motivation: Implications for gifted students. Psychology in the Schools, 49(7), 668-677. doi: 10.1002/pits.21623
Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2022). Perfectionism in childhood and adolescence: A developmental approach. American Psychological Association. doi: 10.1037/0000289-000
Gnilka, P. B., Ashby, J. S., & Noble, C. M. (2012). Multidimensional perfectionism and anxiety: Differences among individuals with perfectionism and tests of a coping‐mediation model. Journal of Counseling & Development, 90(4), 427-436. doi: 10.1002/j.1556-6676.2012.00054.x
Greblo, Z., & Bratko, D. (2014). Parents' perfectionism and its relation to child rearing behaviors. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 55(2), 180-185. doi: 10.1111/sjop.12116
Hewitt, P. L., Caelian, C. F., Flett, G. L., Sherry, S. B., Collins, L., & Flynn, C. A. (2002). Perfectionism in children: Associations with depression, anxiety, and anger. Personality and individual Differences, 32(6), 1049-1061. doi: 10.1016/S0191-8869(01)00109-X
Hollender, M. H. (1965). Perfectionism. Comprehensive psychiatry, 6(2), 94-103. doi: 10.1016/S0010-440X(65)80016-5
Higgins, E. (2021). The Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) Model as an Effective Intervention for Youth who Present with Behaviour that Challenges: A Review. In LEARN (Vol. 21, p. 97).
Iranzo-Tatay, C., Gimeno-Clemente, N., Barberá-Fons, M., Rodriguez-Campayo, M. Á., Rojo-Bofill, L., Livianos-Aldana, L., ... & Rojo-Moreno, L. (2015). Genetic and environmental contributions to perfectionism and its common factors. Psychiatry Research, 230(3), 932-939. doi: 10.1016/j.psychres.2015.11.020
Soreni, N., Streiner, D., McCabe, R., Bullard, C., Swinson, R., Greco, A., ... & Szatmari, P. (2014). Dimensions of perfectionism in children and adolescents with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Journal of the Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 23(2), 136.
Stoeber, Joachim and Childs, Julian H. (2011) Perfectionism. In: Levesque, Roger J. R., ed. Encyclopedia of adolescence. Springer, New York, pp. 2053-2059. doi: 10.1007/978-1-4419-1695-2_279
