Grief finds a New Normal
In our all-consuming grief and loss, can we find a way through to what one might call, a ‘new normal’?
"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - they say!? Decades later we quote these words in a somewhat feeble attempt to soothe our hurting hearts. Alfred Lord Tennyson attempts to breathe hope through his poem ‘In Memoriam’ with this idea that the experience of love, even if it ends in loss, is worth the pain for the joy it brings.
Some even claim that, sunk in our darkest despair, we begin to see life’s little details more clearly—gaining lessons in ways we never dreamed possible before the pain hits. In my experience, sitting with someone grappling with the deep crushing emotions of hurt, betrayal, confusion or deep grief, they struggle to resonate with these poetic ‘words on a page’. To imply grief brings joy or ‘a better normal someday’ seems insensitive and unkind or even jarring.
It is unclear what the exact prevalence of grief is in our country, given that we can expect to all experience the death of someone we know at some time in our lives. Additionally, recent research conducted by Relationships Australia (2024) found that 1 in 3 Australians have experienced a breakup, separation or divorce. In short, you are not alone in your experience of loss. The pain, adjustment to change, and the uncertainty of the future can feel far beyond our emotional capacity. Yet, as echoed in the words of Mr Tennyson, amidst the hurt, hope can emerge.
As Psychologists we know that with the right psychological support, personalised tool kit and a value placed on rest, reflection and recovery it is possible to navigate this transition and build a new set of rhythms and routines. That is, we can experience a new normal where ‘great things’ can happen...
Part 1 - Grief finds a New Normal: Understanding the Emotional Impact
The end of a relationship is often met with a roller coaster of emotions including sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, and even relief. Psychologists acknowledge that any loss experienced follows a process not dissimilar to a staged model of grief. That is, we move through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually, acceptance. Understanding that these emotions are natural but also understanding that these emotions don’t occur in a strict linear fashion, can bring needed correction to unhealthy beliefs that ‘grief is something I need to do and get right’.
Bessel van der Kolk author of ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ argues that distressing and hurtful experiences can be held or ‘remembered‘ in the body even when the mind might try to forget. That is, as the title suggests, ‘The body keeps the score’. It holds onto and may continue to re-enact the raw sensations, emotions, and survival instincts activated during the distressing event or loss experience. It may feel like the mind and body are in constant opposition, yet in fact, they fight for us to help us heal and survive our experiences.
It may seem too simplistic for such intense and raw experiences, but the first move towards this ‘new normal’ simply comes in the knowing:
Knowing your experience called grief.
Knowing grief is messy, it comes in waves and cycles but is not linear.
Knowing that despite the ‘today’ experience, your mind and body are working together for your ‘tomorrow’ experience.
Knowing you can learn how to make your own tool kit to navigate this season that is both varied and unique to your experience.
Knowing that the ‘acceptance’ stage of grief is a place you too can experience in time. This is Tennysons’ sentiment of joy rising from the grief. Noticing the body experience is also where we may start to notice the start of your new normal. Your prior normal is indeed gone, grief is never undone, never forgotten, but as you discover the rhythms of your new normal glimmers of hope can be found here.
Stay tuned for Part 2.
“...If you are struggling with the aftermath of a relationship ending or the unimaginable loss of a loved one, seeking professional psychological support can provide valuable guidance and reassurance...”
MORE INFO BELOW ON THERAPY OPTIONS
Recommended Resources:
It’s OK That You’e Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Authored by Megan Devine.
The Reality Slap: How to Survive and Thrive When Life Hits Hard. Authored by Russ Harris.
The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary-Authored by Frances O’Connor, PhD.
Podcast:
Dr Bessel van der Kolk: The Body Keeps the Score. Available through podcast, Wisemind. Link located here: https://soundcloud.com/wisemindpodcast/dr-bessel-van-der-kolk-the-body-keeps-the-score?utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing
Support:
Book a call back from out client care team to talk about therapy options and what you need.
Check out the info about a referral via your GP.
Lifeline
A 24-hour counselling, suicide prevention and mental health support service
Telephone: 13 11 14
www.lifeline.org.au
